As I watched the end
of he doc’ “I am not a Guru” Toni Robbins asked his audience to
remember three true grateful moments in their lives. I could only
come with two: getting my first NY apartment on 25th
street and meeting Wayne at G bar nine years later on September 1st,
2000. There have been many moments of happiness and joy mind you,
yet none to rival the latter two. As life is settling in my new
environment I suddenly fear I am not ready nor willing for a third
moment. It got me thinking, I still have no real desire to find joy
as if doing so would betrayal Wayne’s memory. Every ounce of logic
I may have knows it is ridiculous, yet every part of my heart is
subscribing to that feeling. Is choosing to become a self martyr now
a part of my life? I need to find a way to shake so many negative
feelings, first by getting free of the anger towards
the Yetkas. All sounds so good in theory; after-all we are all told from movies, novels, real
life stories that forgiveness and letting go is in order to go forward and regain hapiness.
Is it so wrong to live with such raw feelings? Does time heal it all
or does it require so much work to cross the bridge? I am eating,
sleeping, I even once in a while let myself forget and appreciate the day.
I just need to find a way to start stitching these days of bliss and
web a positive future filled with happy memories.
I wish there was a
guide I could follow. Not unlike an Ikea piece of furniture one has
to build, pieces can be missing, the language may be confusing, A may
be C, yet at the end, it will stand, be functional and somehow be
close to what was advertised.
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